American Auto: Season 2, Episode 6 script (2024)

Katherine has to go on a listening tour after a group of younger employees demand the company stop contributing to "pro-life" politicians; the men of the office are charged with writing Payne's policies regarding abortion.

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The new firewall
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and automatic two-factor
identification.

Okay, well, sounds like
you have it under control.

So a few of us
were looking up

Payne's political contributions recently.

[laughing]
Everyone is doing this dance.

Some of the politicians
we donate to

are super conservative
on women's issues.

Yeah, politics are so weird.

How do you turn this thing?

A lot of us think
that we shouldn't be supporting

- people like that.
- Oh, there you go.

Just have to hit
that lock turn thing.

- [laughs]
- We believe abortion rights

are directly tied
to women's equal participation

in society,
and we think it's important

for you to start upholding
those values.

- [computer chimes]
- Oh! Is it done?

Great. Thank you so much.

Um...

I'm so sorry.

Am I supposed to tip you?

Lemme grab you something.

* Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

I'm just sayin',
all the buzz about this

has got me freaked out.

Sack up.
Access to safe, legal abortion

is a human right.
It's as simple as that.

- Right, Sade?
- Yes.

I honestly can't tell if you're
screwing with me right now.

I'm not.
Why is that so hard to believe?

Maybe because of who you are.

All the things
you've ever said and done.

- Okay.
- Look, Wesley's brush

with humanity aside,
we're being asked

to take a position on
a very controversial situation.

- Yeah.
- Who's asking for what now?

- You didn't see the email?
- Mm.

Went out company-wide
this morning.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's an open letter

from some of our employees
with requests

regarding
our abortion policies.

"Requests" is not the word.

They are demanding
that we develop protocols

to provide abortion access
in pro-life states,

stop donating
to pro-life politicians,

and that you personally disavow
those donations and apologize.

"We require review,
expect solutions,

insist on an apology"?

This reads like a ransom note.

I get where
they're coming from,

but the tone is a little harsh.

It's generational, you know?
They're all entitled.

They act like they're in charge

and they all know exactly
what's right.

And they're all bisexual,
but they barely have sex.

It's like going
to an all-you-can-eat buffet,

but you're on a diet.

Do we donate
to pro-life politicians?

'Cause if we do,
it's kind of weird.

I don't know
who we donate to.

I don't make these decisions.

Our lobbyists handle all that.

So how do you think
we should respond?

Well,
we can't just roll over.

I mean, what happens when
our pro-life employees

decide to write
a different letter?

I agree. This is a business.

We can't run it
like a democracy.

I just worry that
if we don't respond,

the narrative will be
that Katherine Hastings

doesn't support women.

- I don't support women?
- I'm not saying that.

I'm saying that the narrative
would say that.

- Headlines, gossip.
- It would probably go

on your Wiki under
"Controversies."

"Katherine Hastings
is famously anti-woman."

Fine, I guess it doesn't hurt
to show them what

our out-of-state protocols are.

Elliot, what is our policy,
by the way?

Post-Dobbs, uh, well,
our official policy

is, um, we need to formulate
an official policy.

- I'll write it.
- [laughs] God no.

You're [bleep] with us, right?

Well, let me just try
a first draft.

This thing is
very complicated, okay,

but if you send me
your thoughts,

I'll format them and proof them
and then throw them

- in the trash and I'll give...
- Ugh.

You something sensible
this afternoon.

Great, then maybe we could,

I don't know,
try to sell a car.

Wouldn't that be crazy?

[light music]

The annoying thing is,
I am probably more pro-choice

than any of these people.

I mean, my generation fought
for those rights.

I remember how it was
before Roe.

- Weren't you, like, five?
- I mean,

people have memories
from when they're five.

Yeah, but just cartoons
and stuff.

All right, Katherine,
here's your Green Detox.

I added bee pollen for $4,

so that's $4 worth
of bee pollen.

Great. Thank you, Dori.
Oh, Dori,

if anyone who signs this wants
to come see me,

just get rid of 'em.

- Oh, I signed that letter.
- [laughs]

- Oh, you're serious? Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Right there. See?
On the right, Dorothy Otis.

I--I wish you'd talked to me.
It's kind of awkward,

having my own assistant
call me out.

Sorry.
I didn't mean to ambush you.

- Next time, I'll tell you first.
- Oh, great.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you. It's okay.

Could--could you just do me
a favor, though,

and--and take it off?

It just kind of makes me
look bad.

I'd rather not do that.

- This is important.
- I agree.

Which is why I'm saying no.

I'm just gonna jump on
in here.

Looks like there's a lot
of feelings being expressed

here and that is so healthy,

but do you know what's funny is
that I think politically,

we're on the same side.

Except for my generation
actually fights

- for our beliefs.
- We're both Gen Y.

No, I'm Young Y. You Old Y.

Okay, that's not
how it works.

I hate to pull rank here,
Dori, but I'm your boss.

Just 'cause you're my boss, Katherine,

doesn't mean you get
to tell me what to do.

That is the definition
of a boss.

Y is Y.
It's all one generation.

Sorry, pal.

I've got a legal meeting
in here now.

I don't think so.
I have a design meeting.

No, no, I've got it, uh,

here we go, Conference Room B,
11:00 a.m., Legal.

11:00, Design.
Did they double-book?

No one double-booked.

You fell for my ruse.

I wanted to make sure
you couldn't make excuses

about other stuff you had
to do,

so I made appointments
in each of your calendars,

specifically designed
to lure you here.

Why does my calendar
say there's

a hot dog eating contest
in here right now?

- Was that a mistake?
- No mistake, my friend.

You're right where you need
to be.

Have a seat.
I'd like to welcome

all of you
to the inaugural meeting

of the Payne Women's Committee.

Ah, shoot.

Uh, must be a dud.

Okay, okay, okay,
just imagine a bunch

of sparkles and a loud bang.

The Payne Women's Committee?

If we let Elliot
and his bean counters

in charge
of our abortion policy,

it's gonna be all rules
and restrictions.

Plus, I think this is
just a good chance for us

to show that we can be more
supportive of women, right?

The sarcasm isn't
a good look.

I'm not being--
is it so hard to believe

that Wesley Payne might just be
a little bit enlightened?

I do find it weird that
the Payne Women's Committee

is four dudes.

Huh. No, that's a good point.

I didn't even think of that.
This is why we need your input.

Wesley, I respect
what you're doing.

I--well, strike that.
I somewhat understand

what it is that you're doing,
and I would love to help--

uh, well, you should probably
strike that as well.

But this is very hard,
it's very complicated,

so just leave it
to the professionals, yeah?

[sighs]
[bang]

Oh, it's a sign!
Let's get started!

I mean, it's not like I asked
Dori to compromise her values.

Outside of work,
I don't care what she does.

I don't even ask.
Is she married? No idea.

Does she have kids?
Don't know. Don't care.

I'm sure she appreciates
how you never ask her

- about herself.
- You know, I have plenty

of beliefs that I don't bring
into the office.

- I think it's wrong to eat veal.
- Mm-hmm.

I--I don't think that men
should dye their hair

under almost any circ*mstance.

I mean, I think the whole idea
of God is pretty far-fetched.

[laughs]
Yeah, I'd keep that one quiet.

Yeah, no, exactly--
I keep my opinions to myself

because I am the CEO,

and I can't afford
to alienate our customers.

Well, these people,
they just wanna feel heard.

If you could just meet
with them

and let them express
their feelings--

Like a therapist?
Why is that my job?

You don't have to do anything
they're asking or even respond.

Just, like, a few minutes
of listening...

- [sighs]
- And we can put this all

- behind us.
- Great, fine.

- If you really think it'll help.
- I do.

Just being there with them
will validate them.

Validation, it's--
it's a pretty big thing for us.

Them.

Yes, them/us.

Just make them feel heard.
Don't try to correct them

or explain anything.

Even if you are right,
if you argue with them,

- you're wrong.
- Got it.

Yeah, I've done a lot
of pointless couples therapy.

I know how
to fake an open mind.

Well, well, well.
Good afternoon.

We look forward
to a productive dialogue.

Oh, great. Dorothy's here.
both: Mm-hmm.

[voice muffled]
So we guarantee their travel,

we give 'em an appropriate
amount of time off,

and we voice our support.

That's all the hard stuff.

All that's left is
little details.

The little details
are the hard stuff, okay?

Are we flying them first
or coach?

Are we allowing them
to take a partner with them?

How much are we willing
to reimburse?

It's just, uh,
all-expenses-paid.

All-expenses-paid is not
a legal concept.

It's just something they say
on "The Price Is Right."

Are we also gonna pay
for lodging?

Yes, duh.
[laughs]

How long would they
be there for?

I had a week off after
I had my wisdom teeth out.

- Does that help?
- It does not.

If only there was
a woman around

to help with
this kind of thing?

Well, why don't we just say,
we'll put them up

in a hotel for as long
as needed?

Yes, a hotel.
Uh, what quality of hotel?

I don't know, uh,
someplace decent.

- A Marriott.
- Mm...

Eh, that's like, "Eh."

- Courtyard Marriott.
- Oh, Jack.

Haven't these women
been through enough?

Thank you all for coming.

I'm Sadie Ryan.

I'm the chief communications
officer here at Payne.

My pronouns are she and her,

and I'd like to introduce you
to someone

that's been named on "Forbes'"
Most Powerful Women list

for more years
than I can count.

[both laugh]

And I'm just, like, really glad

that this ceiling
isn't made of glass;

- otherwise she'd shatter it.
- [laughs] Oh, gosh.

- Katherine Hastings.
- Hi there.

Hi. Uh, no speech.
I'm here to listen.

Oh, uh,
my pronouns are she/her.

Um, she's/hers.

I guess "we/us," you know,
when it's appropriate.

"You" is fine,
unless it's like, "Hey, you."

- In which case...
- [feigns cough]

- I don't like that.
- Yeah.

[clears throat]
Anyway, here to listen.

- I'm done.
- I'll go first.

Yeah.

When we express our concerns
to you,

you've dismissed our opinions.

It makes us feel like you see
us as functions and not people.

That attitude is hurtful, and,
you know, it makes me feel--

it makes us...
[all murmuring]

- Yeah.
- Feel like we're being

taken for granted.

- [all snapping fingers]
- Oh, well, thank you.

I certainly--I hear that.

Also, when you order
your coffee,

you gotta let me know
ahead of time, Katherine,

if you want decaf, okay?

I'm not a mind reader.

[exhales]
And I'm done.

Fair point.

Um, I'll go next.

Oh. Hi, Chloe.

There's a special place in hell

for women
who don't support women.

You're a traitor.

- Ooh, boy.
- Oh, that's a little harsh.

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

And then back home,

everybody gets
an Edible Arrangement.

The cantaloupe one, though.
We don't need to go crazy.

Good job, guys.
I think we're done.

Uh, we are not even close
to being done.

Is there
a lifetime benefit cap?

Uh, which state do they go to?

Is there a time limit
by which they have to apply?

Uh, some women don't even
know they're pregnant

- for a while.
- Well, okay.

Uh, when do they usually
find out by?

In what world would you look
to me for this?

You know a ton
of random stuff.

About topics
I find interesting.

I am pretty sure
it has something to do

- with a "pap shmeer," right?
- Pap smear.

I wanna say, like, a--
a moon cycle?

Uh, something to do
with the moon.

Should we maybe ask
some women about this?

Yes, Wesley.
I, um, think that we should.

This is, without a doubt,

the worst time
in human history to be a woman.

- group: Yes.
- Really?

- Now's the worst time?
- Just go with it.

I certainly hear
that opinion.

While this is an issue
that disproportionately

affects employees with uteri,

men have to speak out
to support them.

- It ends now.
- Yes, that is great.

You, sir, are great.
[all snapping fingers]

You can't claim
to be a feminist

but then give money
to people who hate feminism.

[affirmative muttering]

Um, I--you know, I probably
shouldn't say anything.

- Then--then don't.
- [laughs] No.

It's just, you know, just--
just--just--just to clarify,

our lobbying firm makes
these decisions, okay?

You're the CEO.

I told you not
to say anything.

You know who else just did
what they were told?

The Nazis.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Do you pledge to disavow
these donations

and publicly apologize
for your role in enabling them?

Just gonna jump on in here.

Uh, today was really more
about listening.

Yes, this was the beginning
of a great dialogue, guys.

- My door is always open.
- That's a lie, y'all.

Her door is booby-trapped shut
and it got me in front of it.

That's not helpful.

By not speaking out,

you are literally being violent
against women.

I am not literally
being violent to anyone.

- Silence is violence.
- Okay, you know what?

That's a catchy slogan
and it rhymes,

but it is just a fact

that silence is not
literally violence.

Mm-kay, I think today was
a really productive first--

- group: Silence is violence.
- Yeah.

- group: Silence is violence.
- You guys are--

you cannot just change
the definition of a word

because you were born after
the "Seinfeld" finale, okay?

Google "Khmer Rouge."
Google "Rwanda."

Google "Black Friday
at Walmart."

The world is full
of violent people,

but I am not one of them!

- I am a person who beli--
- Oh!

[all gasping]

Oh!

- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Oh!

- Oh.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Oh, my God.
- No, it's fine.

- I feel actually fine.
- Oh.

It's just a cheap shirt.

This is Amazon Essentials, honestly.

Workplace violence
is defined as the act

or threat of violence,

and it ranges
from verbal abuse to actual...

I appreciate the company, but
you don't have to stay here.

No, I don't mind.

It's always good
to have a refresher.

Excuse me, would you, uh,
pay attention to the video?

I already know
what workplace violence is.

I don't need the video.

We have to show it to anyone

who's been reported
for an incident.

Can't find any exceptions
for CEOs.

Got it.
You're very important.

- Thank you.
- There are several factors

that can make
a hostile work environment.

You know,
when I was coming up,

a hostile work environment
was the goal.

My bosses would attack
every weakness,

especially if you were a woman.

Now I'm the boss,
and it's all "Be kind.

Make everyone feel heard."

Um, there's gonna be
a quiz after.

I don't need the quiz.

Right, yeah. No, you don't.

But you do have
to take the quiz, though.

See?

CEO of the company, and even
this pissy little eunuch

gets to tell me what to do.

Well, maybe it's a good thing

that we're ending
this cycle of abuse.

It's just,
I worked really hard.

I paid my dues
to get to the top.

- Mm.
- And I made a lot

of sacrifices along the way,

in my personal life,
in my work life,

and then it's like they just
went and changed all the rules.

I just don't know
where I fit anymore.

Hey.

Um, Katherine?

Calling me
a "pissy little eunuch"

felt like bullying, and--

Okay, scold me again
and see what happens, Tom.

See what [bleep] happens.

You want some of what she got?

We thought it was important,
in the name of inclusivity,

to get your input on this
because we

in the Payne Women's Committee believe

that women should always be
on top.

That's not
our official slogan.

Uh, we are very open
to any suggestions you may have

of ways to improve, you know,
health and safety for, uh--

- ooh, yes?
- I think we need more lights

in the parking lot.

A number of us feel unsafe

walking to our cars at night.

Sorry, I should
have been more clear.

Um, we're looking for--for,
you know, health and safety,

uh, advances that are specific
to, um, you know, abortions.

Oh, it's just sometimes
I hear footsteps--

- Oh, lady in glasses.
- Why is this something

being worked on by four men?

I've been sayin' that
all day.

- Kiss-ass.
- Uh, well, it was actually

supposed to be worked on
by one man.

It's just these guys sort of
horned in, you know?

Um, I'm pro-life,
and I don't think

our company should be
doing any of--

How can you say that, Joy?

Uh, okay. Come on, ladies.
Let's not, uh--

I can't believe
that you would even think

- something like that.
- I have a right to my opinion.

- This is a fun turn.
- Guys,

this isn't a discussion
we should be having.

- Let's move on.
- Thank you. Please.

I was told I can't bring
my iguana to work even though

he's a state-recognized
support animal.

So we can talk about iguanas

but we can't talk about
lighting in the parking lot?

Well, I think both topics
are something that were

- getting a little bit off--
- So am I not allowed

to express my opinion
that abortion is wrong?

It's just not what
this meeting is about.

If this were
a party-planning meeting,

you could suggest
"Under the Sea"

or the "Roaring Twenties,"
but you can't just say,

"Let's ban all parties."

You banned the party I wanted
to do.

We're not doing a "Pimps
'n' Hos Christmas," Mandy.

Nobody wants that.

- Speak for me much?
- I think we're getting away

from the--the main topic here,
which is, you know,

if you were
to have an abortion,

uh, you know, or not, obviously,

but--but if you were,

then which hotel chain
would you prefer?

[groans] Fine.
I guess, La Quinta?

Are you [bleep] kidding me,
Joy?

La Quinta is good.
Stop trying to muzzle me.

A support iguana
is a medical device.

- But listen, just calm down.
- I'm feeling

discriminated against,
and I'm going to HR.

- What? No, no, no, no.
- I'll go with you.

- Don't go to HR.
- No HR.

- Please don't go to HR.
- La Quinta Inns

and La Quinta Suites offer
very different experiences.

- You can't all go to HR.
- It's the same parent company

but with two
vastly different products.

- It was like, "Ooh."
- Hey.

This is a--
this is a cool spot.

Sadie, how's your nose?

- Looks worse than it is.
- Okay.

Luckily, I always keep
a clean shirt in my car.

Are you gonna press charges?

Against Katherine?
It was an accident.

I basically ran into her fist.
[laughs]

I realize
that sounds like something

a battered wife would say
or battered husband,

battered partner, anyone
that gets battered, really.

I don't feel safe having
someone like that in charge.

She needs to resign.

- What?
- Whoa.

We should write a letter.

Another letter?
So many letters.

It's like, when do you guys
have time to work?

It doesn't really seem
like getting rid

of our first female CEO
is exactly, like,

- "Whoo, feminism."
- You saw what happened.

- She's unhinged.
- It was an accident.

It was like one
of those hilarious,

random things that happen,
you know?

You're defending her?

Your generation really doesn't
get it.

My generation?
Girl, how old do you think--

It's not your fault.
People your age

have a lot
of internalized misogyny.

- Mm-hmm.
- We have what now?

Now, at this point,
you might be thinking,

"If I have to worry
that everything I say

may offend someone,
I just won't speak it all."

But that, too,
is a form of harassment.

Hey, Wesley,
remember when I told you

this was a complicated issue
best left to the professionals?

When did everyone get
so sensitive about everything?

It's like you can't even
have a nice little innocent

workplace conversation
about abortion anymore.

Sometimes I miss
the assembly line.

Nine rivets, press the button,
nine rivets, press the button.

It was so simple.

Shut up and watch the video,
you pissy little eunuchs!

Make a hostile
work environment.

How did I go
from strong independent woman

to tool of the patriarchy
who needs to resign?

You know, I think it's
a mixture of success and age.

- Just success mostly, though.
- Mm-hmm.

Got you a green smoothie.

- Oh, okay. Thanks.
- Got me one too.

- I put them both on your card.
- Oh.

You didn't happen
to get one for me?

It doesn't matter.
I'm not thirsty.

So...

I heard there's gonna be
another letter.

If you feel you need
to sign it, I won't be mad.

I'm not signing that.

I'm not one
of them overly sensitive,

E-juice vapin', single-wheel
skateboarding children.

They don't even respect
their elders.

It's nice to have you back, Dori.

Makin' ramen noodles
all fancy.

Chicken in the NyQuil,
can y'all believe this?

I love how
they're all talking about

"breaking norms"
and being so original,

and then they all follow
the same trends.

It's like,
"I am such an individual.

"Now watch me do
the exact same TikTok dance

that, like, 4 million
other people are doing."

And they always talking about
"deadass this"

- and "deadass that."
- Mm.

Y'all, what in the hell is
a dead ass?

I have no idea.

And they wanna be famous
for doing nothing

except being themselves.

Do something
that makes the world better.

- I know.
- Being a influencer

ain't revolutionary.

It's just like
being the popular kid

- in high school.
- And they are all just

so morally pure
and holier than thou.

[laughs] They not all
that pure, Katherine.

[laughs]
What do you mean?

Well, Hazel claims
to not like Dave Chappelle,

but she be at every one
of his live shows.

And Breanna eats Chick-fil-A
every day.

I could keep going,
but let me stop.

No, please, keep going.

Well, Natasha say
she don't like Michael Jackson,

but she be doing
the "Remember the Time" dance

on her lunch break.

Inauspicious start
to the Payne Women's Committee.

Here I am,
a man trying to correct

the mistakes of the past,
but I'm still the bad guy?

I don't get it.
Are we just supposed

to sit around and wait until
a woman needs us

to change a light bulb?

I got asked to change

three different light bulbs
last week,

and I had to stand on a rolling
desk chair for one of 'em.

You ever notice how when
they have to evacuate a ship,

it's always women and children
first?

- Mm.
- Okay, I get the children,

but why are men somehow
more disposable than women?

But why do I have to change
the big plastic jug

on top of the water cooler?

You know, I've got a bad back.

Ugh, I hate being asked
to change those.

- Me too.
- #MeThree.

Mm.

Thank you all
for joining me again.

I am an imperfect person.

I have a lot of decisions
to make,

and sometimes--a lot of times--
I screw up, so I'm sorry.

Just like...
I imagine Ruby is sorry

for the times
that she screwed up.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, you know,

the whole Malala thing.

Yeah, she darkened her skin

for a Malala Halloween costume.

- [outraged chatter]
- That was six years ago.

Yeah, well,
the Internet's forever, Ruby.

Don't defend yourself.
That's gross.

I know that ain't Miss Harper
talkin',

the one who goes on and on
and on about trans rights

but loves "Mrs. Doubtfire."

- What?
- You're such a hypocrite.

- [scoffs]
- Well, we all make mistakes.

What did, uh--
what did Chloe do again?

Big R. Kelly fan.

I don't.

I separate the artist
from the art.

That is super problematic.

Whatever.
Sasha voted for Kanye.

- [crowd yelling]
- Well, sounds like you guys

have a lot to discuss amongst
yourselves, so just have fun.

Oh, oh, oh, and Josh,

he bought a bulldog
from a puppy mill.

A female-owned puppy mill.

- Bye.
- Oh, come on.

[all arguing]

Mmm, what flavor is this?

Lavender chamomile.

It's like sipping a massage.

I put it in my travel mug,

tell everybody I'm drinking
hot coffee.

Yeah, you shouldn't have
to hide it though, you know?

You know, why can't men enjoy
delicious things?

Yeah, and all
of our deodorants are,

like, "sandalwood musk"
or "Arctic gunmetal."

- Mm.
- I like vanilla.

- I like bergamot.
- Yes.

Why can't I smell like those?

You know, I have never
once had a manicure.

- No.
- Yeah, because I guess society

has decided that personal
hygiene is gendered.

And do you know what women
get to do

that I always wished
that I could?

- both: Hmm?
- Give and receive

multiple org*sms.

No, I think technically
we can give those.

I don't think so.
[laughs]

You know what? I'm doing it.

I'm ordering the vanilla.

- Yes.
- Because I like it.

- Yes.
- Good for you.

- Please do.
- Your body, your choice.

Were we the good guys
or the bad guys just now?

No idea, but it was fun.

Yeah, I see why
that generation

likes canceling people.

It's energizing.

What's going on here?

We're havin' a Payne
Women's Committee meeting.

This is black coffee,
by the way.

Uh-huh.
Hey, uh,

have you guys written up
those policies I asked for?

Oh, you know, we, um--
we started them,

but then ultimately felt,
you know, that, like,

as men,
it wasn't really our place.

Yeah, that needs
to be something women do

- for themselves.
- Oh, great, yeah.

One more thing on my plate.

- Thank you, guys.
- Yeah, yeah. Good job.

Are men genetically lazy,

or is this more like
a societal thing?

Honestly,
and don't repeat this,

- I truly think it's both.
- Mm-hmm.

American Auto: Season 2, Episode 6 script (2024)

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